Today has been an emotional day for me. I've been going through a bunch of stuff from my mom's house. Old diary's, pictures and newspaper clippings from back in high school. I feel like I'm learning a lot about myself but it is hard. Lots or feelings about things I haven't thought about in a long time. I really think that it's time to revisit some of it though. I don't think I an be a good mother and role model if I don't know enough about me and the whys behind who I am. I am pretty sure I have always been bipolar. There is one line that I read from my diary that really struck me. My ex asked me why I cheated on him. I told him that I couldn't help it. I just did things and I couldn't stop myself. I didn't have control of my actions. I remember that feeling. It was almost like being an observer in my life. Life was running it's course in front of me and I had now say in how the story would turn out. It led to a lot of problems back then. Lost friends bad relationships and such. Things are different now. I have a very cautious approach to life. Almost fearful. I don't take chances. I am terrified of failing or doing something I shouldn't. In a way I have gone from one extreme to another. My emotions are going haywire lately. One day I'm so angry and violent, then next I'm fine, then I'm depressed. It even changes from moment to moment. This scares me because these are the times when I usually get hospitalized. It has been a long time since my last hospitalization. A little over two years in fact. That is really good for me. I was in 3 times that year two years ago. Now I feel like I'm trying so hard to be normal that it's killing me. I'm so afraid that I will be found out. I have been showing signs at school and home of a breakdown.
Another thing that has been bothering me lately is the recent publicity surrounding Britney Spears. People talk about celebs all the time, they say she has bipolar now. I know when people talk about her around me they don't know that I have bipolar but it gets to me. They say she shouldn't have her kids because she is crazy, it scares me that they are thinking that about me. I know they don't know I have bipolar but if they find out I know they would look at me differently. Right now they just think I'm mean or rude, but not crazy, not yet at least.
Lori
Another thing that has been bothering me lately is the recent publicity surrounding Britney Spears. People talk about celebs all the time, they say she has bipolar now. I know when people talk about her around me they don't know that I have bipolar but it gets to me. They say she shouldn't have her kids because she is crazy, it scares me that they are thinking that about me. I know they don't know I have bipolar but if they find out I know they would look at me differently. Right now they just think I'm mean or rude, but not crazy, not yet at least.
Lori
