I also connected here in the hugs sectin, a couple days after I emailed my friend from Group. (I will change her name to Jane, and my wifes to Mrs. Perfect, before I post it here).
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This started last Monday - Feb 16, 2009 - this is the first email .........
Hi Jane
I hope to be at group today.
The wife is driving me insane - almost literally.
To be honest, I haven't slept much the last few days, and I know I am mildly hypomanic - good for me, but not anyone around me that opposes me. From another's perspective I might appear grouchy as a bear in February, poking its nose out of its den for the momentary realization that it is still winter, and it is up for nothing, as spring is still a month away. As from my perspective, I am only as grouchy as the one that I am dealing with.
If the wife was on schedule right now, I wouldn't be typing this.
Sorry to rant on your shoulder, but I have to do something - less than losing my mind, again. And I am not going to let her do that. That is the one thing that I do have control over. Work is another story, sometimes.
(sorry, got sidetracked).
Anyways, Mrs Perfect has bought a couple of things recently online, and has started the fur flying around here.
Last week she bought someone's used cupboards. Entire kitchen set. U design. Upper and lower cabinets with countertop.
I couldn't argue with the price $300, but we, or at least I, weren't looking for them. Nor do we need them. All she done was create a whole lot of needless work for me.
But who am I to say anything. I let her buy them. I didn't go with her to view them either, and did that steam her!!!! - who cares.
Then yesterday...... It was bad enough that I went ice fishing, and was out of her sight for a few hours....... she bought a patio set - online of course. She had arranged for us to go and pick it up Tuesday. Believe it or not, I was actually fine with this, as I would still be able to make it to group Monday. But then didn't she find out that My dad wasn't using his truck on Monday, so she called the guy that she bought the patio set from back and changed the arrangements for Today (Monday).
So now it is looking doubtful that I am going to make it to group today, as all hell has broke loose.
It started last night when I told her that we would have to get an early start, as I still wanted to attend Mondays group. No problem, or so I thought.
I was up at 6 this morning. Had my breakfast. Read a bit.
Around 7:30, I went upstairs to take the dog for a walk.
Dog wouldn't get off bed. Normal. Really normal. Believe me, it is normal.
That dog will not, ever get off the bed for me, because it is her dog, and it is attached to her.
Anyways, she got all bent out of shape, and to make a long story short, walked the dog herself - by herself.
I haven't spoken to her since. (I shouldn't complain LOL).
She was back shortly after 8am from her walk, and it is now 11am.
I can hear her snoring as I type this.
(note to self - this is what I miss most - quiet time to type.)(when I say quiet, I mean quiet - no pitter patter of feet in the house, or external conversations.)
Anyways, as it is 11, and I have to drive to Kitchener, load up the patio set, and drive back home to Cambridge yet, I don't think that I will be there today.
Please share this with the group as my 5 minute introduction, in my absence.
The b is up
Sincerely
Shrapnel
Monday Jan 16, 2009, 11 am
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Must be something in the air !!!
There was no group today - as today was a holiday- Family Day - so the office was closed today
when things get to be too much- just BREATHE .. lock yourself in the bathroom and take a few long deep breaths .. it does help....it's not easy to get alone space when you are married ... the bathroom is about the safest ..and alone space that you have - no one ever walks into the bathroom when the door is closed ..lol
put those bear claws away ... and stay in your den until you know you are fully ready to walk out...taking a peak out once in a while isn't going to solve the problems.... build up your strength and bravery to walk out and start your new day / journey - until then - get your rest ..crawl up on the couch and grab your blanky and eat your comfy food and relax .. learn to say - STOP ... I am not ready for this .. or STOP - I can't deal with this right now ... STOP>>> I just can't handle the pressure at this time ... glad to have listened to your rant - I am here anytime ... hope you feel better soon...
Jane 
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Hi Jane
It is 10pm now.
Tired.
I am tired and lethargic now.
Hands are not working as fast as this morning, neither is the mind - unfortunately.
You see, I am similar to a meth addict, and I crave my highs. I know the risk and the danger involved, but the sensation is totally worth it while it lasts.
Thanks for the time you spent typing up your advice, I do appreciate it, but..... You are not the first I have heard preach it. I am not saying for a nanosecond that it is not good advice, but I agree with you in a different sense - I have just never taken that approach. I always try to keep marching on and stay in control. This is where I personally feel that those of us with bipolar must do..... I know that I am not in the same state as this morning, as I can't keep a train of thought. My thoughts are not clear anymore. I am now typing "normally" LOL. Except I feel tired. Other than that normal.
I think I was trying to say that we with bipolar must control ourselves. First, foremost, and only, unlike the rest of the world who have control of themselves and focus on controlling others. We must control ourselves.
Have I lost you?
I consider myself highly empathetic, and I have observed this trait in almost all of the highly functional people with bipolar that I have met. That means that we are better than average at reading (hence feeling) others emotions. The problem lies (now this is a fact that I deduced while in a clear headed hypomanic state this afternoon) when we talk to others. Now I am just using myself for an example. When I speak to someone, my mood is determined by theirs. Bear with me. I always have this underlying nervous anxiety. (It was gone today. It always disappears when I am hypo. - or when I used to drink myself into oblivion.) Anyways what I am getting at is worry. I am always worried about the person I am talking to, ahead of myself.
I am too tired to pursue this any further right now.
Sorry - for either stopping now, or not finishing what I started.
Anyways it was a loooong day.
The b, I meant boss you know, finally got up and we were on the road by 11:30 this morning.
It ended up taking two trips.
The ride was quiet.
But I didn't let her get to me - if you know what I mean.
I hid (in my mind) from her.
My thoughts were not focused on what she was thinking, or what I could say to make her feel better, or any of the usual crap that just takes me in that hypodepressed direction. No, I maintained control of myself. At the same time, I was not like a brick wall. We had no other fight today (99% thanks to me).
We actually had a pretty good day - but she is still mad and not talking again.
Anyways, we had tea with the couple that we bought the patio set from this afternoon. We had a really good chat with them, for about an hour and a half. Things were right as rain.
The drive back home Mrs Perfect's mood started to improve, and we were at least talking again, without animosity.
We got home around 4:30 and had to rush to the Hamilton Mountain , to celebrate the 6th birthday of the cutest kid in the world. Shakila loved the Recorder that I got for her from Costa Rica. Her mother Edris loved our pictures. Did Edris ever cook the best supper. She made a Trinadian dish - jerked chicken.... mmmmmmmmmmm the best chicken I have ever - Sorry, I couldn't help it. LOL.
So it seemed like a good night.
For me, because of my mood, it was one of the best times that I have ever spent at Edris's. You don't know Edris. Her lips never stop. But it is good. She has so much enthusiasm. Normally I can't keep up with her. Tonight, my mind was at par with hers - and more importantly my lips were following my minds orders, and not getting tripped up, as per usual.
So all was good when we left Edris's.
Mrs Perfect dropped me off at my parents so I could get my truck, as I had returned my dads truck to him on the way to Edris'. I stayed there for a half hour, then headed home.
I got here, and Mrs Perfect was in that not talking mode again.
So I have been here, in the basement, in my office typing to you ever since.
Thanks for being.
I was going to say being there, but the way I phrased it works better.
I am staring a philosophical discussion of great importance, that I don't have the time to finish right now. I am not sorry for starting it, but I am sorry for not going into more detail, but I think you get what I was jiving at.
Sorry, I guess I lied - I got a second wind.
Take being at its root. It basically means to exist. As you do. Therefore you can answer. Not that you have to. Not that I expect you to. But just the fact that I knew that there was someone "there" "with me" while I typed this diatribe - made it possible for me to SURVIVE, COPE, LIVE, PROSPER,..... and most importantly - put pen to paper so to speak - type - START. I never would have sat down and started typing if it wasn't for the fact that I knew there was someone (some-being) there in the first place. I was going to say that I am sorry that it was you that I had to burden with my rant, because I always feel like a burden, but I am not sorry. And not because I feel that I am worthy of wasting your time, because I am not. I am just glad that of all the beings in my world right now that I could have typed this to, you are the only one I can trust. And you were the first one I thought of. That is what I was going to apologize for, but I am not. I thank you for being.
It is 11:45pm.
I think I will go shave, and see what tomorrow brings.
Or tonight for that matter.
Buenos
Shawn
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PS Maybe there is something in the air!!!
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Good Morning Jane
Hopefully you read the other email I sent last night before this one.
And if you did, I hope I didn't rant your ear off.
I can only offer my most humblest of apologies if I did.
Anyways, I am feeling 100% better this morning.
Right as rain.
Had the best 6 hours of sleep last night in the last week.
Finally on the road to recovery. Once again.
In large part, due to your invisible ear/ shoulder.
Thanks again for being - and so much more.
I'll try not to bore you any longer.
On a scale of 1 to ten, yesterday I was probably around a 4.
At present I might be a 1.
I feel good - I knew that I would (I couldn't resist that one - another bipolarite, James Brown, whispered it in my ear, na na na na na wow.) LOL.
Once again in my life, post 2004, I have stood on the precipice of reason, and won.
That is an intellectually profound statement. Believe it or not.
Reason is what some call the means to some sort of salvation, it isn't.
Reason is the road to reality.
Reason is one's mental immune system.
To abandon reason is the path to the asylum or the grave (Don't just take my word for this. I learnt that from Sigmund Freud in 2005.)
Unfortunately, I know from first hand experience - from 5 admissions to hospital due to my mind following the so called road to redemption.
I am trying to keep this short and as sweet as possible for you, as I know you are uncomfortable right now.
So I will end now, and say thanks again.
I feel fine.
But I did stand on that proverbial precipice yesterday, once again, and came down from that "high place" virtually unscathed.
No hospital admittance; no permanent damage due to some unreasonable, or frivolous argument; no worry this morning about the cops showing up because of something I done last night (had that worry a few times in college, when I used to drink heavy, and I didn't know bipolar even existed); etc.
No harm done.
I used the tools at my disposal, that I have amassed from my last few years at CASH (and the library) and from bipolar hope, to weather yesterdays rough waters. The storm would have been harder to ride out without you here to help me paddle. (Pun intended - however, I meant it with all the seriousness of a heart attack.)
I just spoke with Mrs Perfect before I started typing this, and her mood seems to have improved - therefore the water I am treading in here is more comfortable today - or at the very least, I think and truly hope. Time will tell.
Well, thanks again, and I hope your day is filled with sunshine, sunshine.
L8R SK8R
Shrapnel
7:00 am, Tues Jan 17, 2009
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Hi Jane
Do you remember that site that I once referred to you Bipolar Hope?
Well, it has been.... I was going to say quiet, but it has been in actuality Silent for months - as I do check it occasionally, and no one had posted anything there for what seems like forever.
Anyways, I just popped in the other day to check, and an old friend of mine was back posting. I have no idea where she lives, or who she is, I have just known her online since I found the site in 2005. No I do not have any thoughts of meeting her or anything stupid like that. ((( I said that to Jane as I was in a hypomanic state, and it can be a very seducuctive state, and I didn't want her to think that I had thoughts of grandiose or anything else. I mean someday I do think that it would beat awesome to meet Lori. ))))) It was just good to see a familiar face there.
I found another "being" to type to, when I needed one. I did not want to overburden you. And don't say that I wasn't. I know I was. Or at least starting to. Or maybe it is just now that I am starting to.
I don't know.
I hope you are doing all right.
I think that I will have something to talk about this Monday at group - what do you think?
I am printing off everything that I have typed off the last couple days, and with your permission, I would like to share it with the group, so we all may learn from it. (That is what I always envisioned the group being for.) (A mutual sharing of experiences and learning from them.) I have certainly learned a lot from that book that we just finished. Thanks.
You could go into that Bipolar Hope site and read what I posted in the Hugs section, or I could make it easier for you by just copying and pasting it here for you, as I just finished printing it off.
Chow for now.
This is from Bipolar Hope (remember, I am Shrapnel) :
Hope Valentines day was nice to everybody. I went out to lunch with my boyfriend and my daughter. I got flowers and I bought
my daughter some play jewellery. I told her it was love day and that she got presents because I love her. She spent today with her grandma and had a blast. I
loved seeing her so happy. Today was nice. I got a lot of school work done when Genna was with grandma. I love my baby, but she does make it hard to write a
paper .
Lori
Sunday Feb 15, 2009
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Hi Lori
Good to see you here again.
I've missed ya girl.
I hope things get better for you soon., though they sound like thay may be.
I just logged on here for the first time in a couple of months, so I just got caught up on you.
I don't have time to say much now.
Just wanted to say hi, and give you an online HUG.
I am just easing my way down from a few day HIGH.
Things have been tense with the new wify, these last few days, and may continue, but the worst of the storm is past, and the sea is flatening out.
I may post more later about it.
Great big HUGS
Shrapnel
In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act. (George Orwell)
Tuesday Feb, 17, 2009
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I had a pretty good day today. I have to send in my application for my clinical dental hygiene boards which are in April.
$925! That is crazy. Well, once I get my licence and get a job hopefully I'll make up for it with a decent salary. I really like doing this. I feel like
I'm actually accomplishing something. I can see the difference when I am done, unlike when I worked as a counsellor and didn't physically see the
results.
Shapnel! It's great to see you. I think things are starting to look up. Hope everything is going OK with you and the wife. I hate fighting...especially
when I know that I'm instigating. I don't know why I do it, but sometimes I do. Good luck.
Lori
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Hi Lori
The prices that the government charges us for licensing is atrocious, I know. I just got my tax bill for the year - $2800. Yikes.
Oh well, what can we do? Stew.
No that's not the right thing to do,
as that would just make us blue.
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Ha, I am a poet, and I didn't even know it.
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You are thinking in the right direction. I hope it is worth it in the end, and you earn a decent wage from it. I know you will. I'm pulling for you.
I need to pull you up, as you have always been there to help keep me up. I don't know if I ever told you so, well I just did. It is sooooooo good to
connect with you again.
Right now my mind is clear.
As clear as it has ever been.
This is my "normal".
I have only been here a handful of times that I can remember. Always associated with an episode.
My job now is to try and stay here for as long as possible.
All is quiet on the front lines, at home, here.
The war with the wify ended last night.
Things should be better today.
We "talked" last night.
Anyways, to make a long story short.
My wife has fibromyalgia, and a side effect of that is depression, which she takes wellbutrin for.
Well, our fight started about a week ago.
It was about something she did, bought.
For the sake of time I won't get into details about what or why.
It is just that we didn't NEED it.
It was not the money either - only $300, for $8000 oak cupboards.
She made a lot of unnecessary work for me. She didn't care either. As far as she seemed to be concerned, it was her kitchen and ................. (I'll
leave it to your imagination to fill in the blank).
SO she went off and bought them.
I didn't even go with her to look at them.
We were both steaming, and have been ever since.
I came to the realization last night, after our "talk", that we had both been spiraling in different directions.
I was not shocked by this revelation.
I could see it, only I didn't realize that she had gone "down" as far as she did, while I had gone "up".
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I even told her something that I have never told anyone last night - and you are going to hear it here first.
Last night when we had our fight pretty well mended, she started talking that blame game again.
Well I wasn't going to let her start that. That road only takes both of our moods down. So I mustered up my courage, and told her what had to be said.
I told her that I had been hypomanic for the past few days, and was dangerously close to being hospitalized. (Maybe not, but a few years ago, without the
knowledge and tools at my disposal now, I probably would have been hospitalized.) Then I told her that this is the first time that I had no suicidal thoughts,
associated with and episode.
I have never acted on a suicidal thought in my life, so no one, I mean NO ONE knows that I have ever had one.
I have never verbalized this fact to anyone before, nor have I ever written about it - and/or shared it with anyone.
But it has crossed my mind - a few million times - truth be known.
Every time she "blows up", and I have to avoid her, I would lay on the couch or whatever and my thoughts would always revolve around suicide.
This is nothing new - it has been going on since I was 8 years old.
I guess that I learnt at a young age not to act on those thoughts.
I don't know why - I swallowed that fly.
No, seriously, I don't know why I have never acted.
It is a good thing I am stubborn, and know that I am a better person that the majority - at heart - and sometimes, like now when I am feeling good, at mind.
I know that I am a better writer than most - when my mind is in the right place - as it is now.
That is another reason why I have not posted here for a long time - my mind has not been in the right place.
It was hard to see until now.
I am in the state of mind right now that should be considered the WRITER's MOOD.
Creative and Productive.
Anyways, when I told her that this is the first time that I had no suicidal thoughts, associated with and episode, I didn't get the chance to explain to
her what exactly I meant. That is okay. It worked out anyway. She started in, in near hysterics about how selfish it is and yadda yadda yadda. So she
didn't hear me at first. Anyways to try and make a long story shorter, I got her calmed down, and she eventually told me that she had one of those
(suicidal) thoughts two nights ago, on the drive home form a friend of ours house. (I gathered that that was a rare occurrence for her). That is when the fight
officially ended, and I was finally able to console her. I know she will be feeling better this morning, when she gets up. I know that I do.
That is enough for now.
Peace out, bean sprout.
Shrapnel
Wed, Feb 18, 2009 - 6:30 am - 8:30 am
PS. I am leaving at 3am tomorrow morning to go ice fishing for walleye, with a friend for work.
It is a good three hour drive to where we are going for the day - EACH WAY.
I haven't fished for walleye, through the ice, for 10 years or better.
Eat your hearts out boys and squirms, wiggle your worms.
---------------------------------- Wed Feb 18, 2009 ----------------------------------------------
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Thanks again for being, Jane
Shrapnel
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Today's Bay of Quinte ice fishing story
I got up at 2:00am this morning, and was on the highway by 2:45am. I met DJ, a friend of mine from work, just after 3am and followed him to Toronto, where he left his car at his new girlfriends' place. Then I drove him the rest of the way to Belleville + a little bit. We got there right at sunrise - 6:30am. We had good luck right away. A guy in an ATV came along and offered us a ride out onto the ice. We graciously accepted. I tied our sled to the back, and we each sat on either side of the back of the ATV. He saved us about 2 miles of walking, pulling the sled - which weighs about 50 lbs. Unfortunely that was about the only good luck we had for the day. The wind picked up to about 50 kmph, and the temperature dropped to about -30 degrees Celsius (I don't know what that is in
farfenugin -US degrees). It was cold. I was fine, I have been out in worse, and was dressed for it, but DJ had never been ice fishing before, and nearly froze to death. I quit early today, because of his incessant whining. We left the ice around 2pm, and headed for home. We caught no, absolutely zero, walleye. We did manage to catch 6 perch. Supper tomorrow.
Time for a shower, and some much needed sleep.
Good night yall.
Shrapnel
Thursday Feb 19, 2009 - 9:30pm
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It really wasn't a nice day for fishing - the wind was sooooooo cold - no damn wonder why he was whining.. I would
have too .... I love fishing on a sunny warm day no -20 for me dude - lmao !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had to run my employment group tonight at CASH - only had 1
person show up but we did a lot of computer work searching for specific jobs and info - so the client went home - definitely not empty handed - hope ya have
a good sleep tonight - after all that FRESH air ...
hehehehe Jane
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I guess I could have picked a better day, weather wise to go, but the weather man wasn't calling for what we got, a couple of days ago. It was supposed to be +2 degrees celcius, and partly cloudy - no mention of hurricane force winds. That is the first time that I have ever known the weather man to be wrong ROFL.
Actually DJ wasn't whining as much as I let on, but it sounded good , so I typed it. I knew his feet were cold, and I know what that is like, so before they froze, I decided to call it a day. I would have waited until dark to quit, as that is when the best bite is, but I didn't want to run the risk of losing a fellow fishaholic. That was the first time that he had been ice fishing. He had never seen ice in his home country of Serbia, and had never been ice fishing here in Canada before, so I was just giving him a good taste of what ice fishing was all about yesterday. By quitting when I did, I ensured that he will want to ice fish again. I will not make that trip again, this year, but I might make it up to Lake Simcoe, below Barrie, a few more times.
Anyways, I was going to ask you if you wanted to go, but I didn't want to get out fished by a "girl". LOL.
Tight Lines, and hard waters.
Shrapnel
Fri Feb 20, 2009 - 7am
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