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I have been through this so many times, but every time the depression hits it feels like the first time. This time is harder than usual. This is the first major bout I have gone through without my husband. I left my husband back in may of '08. I left and I thought if was for the best and it may have been, but I don't know if I can go through this without him. My new boyfriend is great. But I really don't feel safe like I did with my husband. I don't think he understands and I'm scared. I want more than anything for all this to end but I have a daughter now so I could never go through with it, but I wish with all my heart that I could stop feeling. You would think that after going through this so many times that I would be better able to handle this but I am not. I don't know if I will ever be able to. Since I left my husband I've been drinking a lot. A few drinks every night at least. I can't get through the day without it. My boyfriend doesn't drink, I drink by myself. I know it's bad but I can't handle it without this. I miss having my husband to talk to, he was my best friend and I feel so alone now. Even my new boyfriend, who was my best friend for most of my life before my husband doesn't seem like he gets it. He wants to help but, god, nobody understands that there isn't something to do to help. I hate this disease. It makes everything so much harder. Why don't all the medications and the therapy make it just stop. I am not even 30, how can I live the rest of my life like this?