I don't want to sould melodramatic, and I am not even sure what I am doing here. I am just at the end of my rope. I have had bipolar disorder for several
years, and it was misdiagnosed as depression for a long time. It was finally correctly identified several monthes ago, but I am really lost. It seems to have
just gotten worse and worse. Without going into too many words, this is something that I can't get support from my family with. I am at college where I
haven't made a lot of friends because I am so unpredictable, what I will feel, what I will do. My moods change anywhere from once ever few weeks, to
multiple times a day. They have me on meds, but it is not helping a whole lot. I talked to the psych, and they recently upped my meds, so maybe that will
help, I don't know. I guess I am just sick of feeling like %%@# all the time, and then having happiness, only too fall into darkness again. I am alone,
and I am afraid. . . I admitt that, and maybe that is why I wrote here. I guess I was looking for a friend who I didn't have to try to explain all this
to, because no one seems to understand. . . I just scare them all away. I don't sleep, I can't. And the few hours I get are always plegged with
dreams, so I wake up feeling very unrested. I look like hell because I haven't slept well for so long, and I feel like it too. My mind is racing, and what
I think scares me sometimes, but my body is so exhausted that it takes all my strength and will power to get up in the morning, and sometimes even that
isn't enough. My homework is such a burden, looming over me all the time. I thought about leaving college for a while, until I can get my head on
straight, but without college, I would have nothing to hold onto. But what am I saying all this for, you guys probably already know. . . I know everyone has
their own problems to try and deal with. . . and i don't want to be someone's ball and chain. . . I guess I just want a friend so I don't feel so
alone.
thanks,
-Ellie
thanks,
-Ellie
